Today is a new day

Today, is the day after Ethan's birthday. I did much better than I expected. Mama, Emily Kate and I went to the cemetary to leave some things for Ethan. I knelt down at his headstone and wept. I looked up to Heaven and prayed to God the Father and Christ for strength and comfort. Not just for me, but for my entire family and anyone who loves and knows Brad and I. Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea that this only happened to me that I forget about the others who lost a grandchild, a great-grandchild, a nephew, or just anyone who hurt for Brad and I. We each experienced different levels of grief, but we shared the one common cause-Ethan-a baby. No one ever expects a baby to die. I guess the person I have most forgotten about is Brad. I get so caught up in my own grief I forget that he lost his son also. So, yesterday, at Ethan's grave I prayed for God to help me comfort Brad as much as he has comforted me this year. The Lord created this man for me. I am eternally greatful to Him for sending this amazing person.
My heart is still broken but through Christ, each day gets a little easier. The Lord has given me so many blessings. I am so thankful for everything in my life. The good and the bad. And now, he has blessed me with another new life. Each day I feel our little Allee-Beth move, I am praise Him and all his small miracles. Sometimes the smallest miracles make the biggest impact on someone. Just look at all I have learned from a tiny baby that only weighed 1lb. 2oz. Look at everything the entire world learned from one tiny baby born in a manger in Bethlehem.

I'm new to this whole blogging thing so I hope I get it right. This past year has brought so many new things to my life. One year ago tomorrow, I gave birth to a 24 week little boy. At the current time we had a 15 month old daughter. We named our little boy Ethan. After 7 days of blood transfusions, a grade 4 brain bleed, a jet ventilator, and several sticks with needles for i.v.'s and other pokes, my husband and I made the almost impossible task of choosing to take Ethan off the ventilator. He peacefully died in my arms on December 18, 2008. Not for one moment have I ever regretted my decision to let my son go. Even when I everyone around me kept telling me that he would be ok, i knew in my heart that he was not ours to keep. I kept telling them that if he died I had to be a peace with God knowing that he will be ok. Some may turn their backs on him and get angry at the things they do not understand, but even as I felt his little life slip away I felt a tremendous amount of peace. I can not tell a lie, this past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever experienced. On top of losing my baby, my father was diagnosed with cancer, and my very active, vibrant grandmother sufferd from strokes that have changed her forever. My heart aches yet when I think of all the things God has done for me, I truly can not blame him for the negative things in my life. I know that there is reason for everything he has done. Sometimes I feel like it was to prove to me that in my darkest times I should not run and hide from Him but embrace Him. I think he sent me Ethan to bring me closer to Him and HIS Son. When I think about losing my son, I often remember Mary who also had to watch her son die. I find my courage and strength through her and through Christ who indeed does strengthen me. Tomorrow is my sweet baby's 1st. birthday. Although he is not here physically to celebrate it he is here in my heart and we will always observe this special day to remember how thankful we are for the life he did live. He taught me so much about my faith in the 7 short days he was here, but those are lessons that are not easily forgotten. I've been listening and observing people who are going through difficult times right now and this is what I have come to understand- There are 2 types of people in this world: The first is the type that become bitter and want someone to blame when something terrible happens to them and the second are the people who never stray from His love, peace, forgiveness, and guidance. Those are the survivors. Those are the people who never stray from Christ's abounding glory. And in return Christ never strays from them. My favorite scripture in the Bible, one that I must remind myself often about, is : Peace, Be still and know that I am with you. In my journey have learned that sometimes we must stop and feel the His presence, for it surrounds us.